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Me and Friend Sara Eriksson

Now I’m a pretty easy going guy and will pretty much go and do whatever it is the group is doing except jump off cliffs, fill my arms with drugs, or dance around maypoles.  Friday June 23rd is known as the Swedish Summer Solstice.  Now you may ask yourself, why would we want to know this extra bit of information about Sweden.  You see, my friend Sara, fair resident of Naples Florida is Swedish and casually invited me to a an event that was sold to me as a “Party” amongst a bunch of Swedes. 

This invitation was delivered over a marvelous lunch of field greens, topped with cranberries, walnuts, hunks of havarti all topped with a raspberry vinaigrette dressing while dining in a very upscale European Cafe and Grocery.  You see, while this amazing salad was prepared; Sara shopped for various cheeses, fruits, sauces, and Jars of Herring.  Being a resident of the fair state of Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, and Maryland I had not run across oddly colored jars filled with scary fishes, I simply inquired “What are you gonna do with them fish in them there Jars?”  My direct question was answered quickly with a more direct: ”Would you like to come to a party?”.

Being one who has attended very few parties in his lifetime and feeling somewhat deficient in the “One time at a party” stories, I quickly agreed to participate.  At 7 p.m. I met Sara at her condo residence in Naples, where we loaded both vehicles with various bags and coolers and headed south to Port Royal where I hoped to take in a bit of the local color. 

Upon arrival I was quickly introduced to the Hosts “Helmut” and “Anna”; both with proper Swedish accents and in a home that looked like some Ikea furniture test site gone bad.  Right away I made a mental note that of all the current guests only 2 appeared to be US citizens.  Needless to say “Ace of Base” was blaring on the home stereo system, while a crew of no less than 5 internationals used wire, greenery and flowers to shape enough ”hats” for each of the attendees. 

I immediately became aware that this was more than your standard issue “Party” upon heading out onto the Lanai where a real life Swedish “May Pole” had been erected upon the back lawn.  For those you you have not encountered such.. a Swedish “May Pole” somewhat resembles  a greenery covered Cross with 2 large Circles hanging from the “arms” of the Cross. The affect of the greenery enhanced with splashes of color from random flowers makes this piece quite striking….. AND out of place in a South Florida backyard.

So to recap, I’m supposed to going to a “Party”, and not 10 minutes after my arrival I’ve only met 1 American; witnessed the craft of making flower ringlet hats and immersed myself in the awe of a ”May Pole”.  Something has gone quite wrong because when other tell their “One time, at this Party” stories there is no recounting to crafts, or oddly greenery covered statues.

“You might want to swig down you current beer and grab another!”… ”We’re gonna dance around the ’May Pole’ in the Swedish Summer Solstice fashion”.  announced Anna (Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes, Fair Skinned)….   OMG.. they surely don’t want me.. 1 of the 2 Americans at the ”Party” to join her their dancing ritual.  I’m a white boy, and being gay I have style and grace but I don’t dance well to begin with and I’m certain that this Summer Solstice Celebration requires at the very least some ritualistic dancing techniques taught to your Swedish children on Swedish National Holidays.  ”Everyone from a circle round the May Pole, in a boy girl fashion.  “I might be saved on this one.. maybe I’ll be the odd boy out and therefore I can simply continue to be the standard issue wallflower act that I normally impersonate… but damn-it.. they are 1 boy short and Ugh.. I don’t like to dance in public, let alone someone’s backyard with others who are wearing flower ringed headpieces where other’s (i.e. neighbors) might see.  The music has started and of course it’s Swedish and has to be interpreted by Anna and Sara who instruct each of this vagabond dance troupe to lean, sway, and trollop around the May Pole.  Man on Man did I feel like a fool, stumbling round in a manner that felt completely unfitting of my upbringing.  Lord knows if we were back in Mississippi, this would not be happening.. somebody would have been callin the Law to make sure there was not going to be a lynching.  After 5 minutes the Swedes had their fill of this odd tradition, that it was announced that we were done and could return to the Lanai for more drinks and dinner. 

After at least 2 more beers and feeling that I was now “cultured” in the latest of Swedish tradition, i was introduced to other party goers from Brazil, Argentina, Germany, Canada, Mexico, Japan, & Turkey.  Each of which were truly hospitable and sexy with their individual accents and lean international bodies. There was 1 other American whom arrived with the backyard dancing occurred.  Stacy… I don’t know where this chick came from but I am sure there is a turnip truck somewhere that is missing a passenger.

“So you’re from Mississippi?”.. me, “Yeah, Hi… nice to meet you!”…  Stacy went on to explain that she was in the Army and served in the rescue and body recovery efforts in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  Apparently, she worked with a regiment up in north Mississippi near Columbus and helped in setting up some shelter for New Orleans evacuees. 

****NOTE****

I have this odd habit of watching others annoying habits.. I don’t know why, but when listening to a story, or watching someone eat… i pick up on their odd ticks.  (Like using your finger to scoop up the such remnants left on a otherwise empty plate.)  This has to be attributed to some attention deficit thing that i inherited as a child.

Whilst recounting the details of above said military duty, she would randomly switch her beer from left hand to right, and proceed to wedge her left hand up underneath her skirt and pull her panties out of the crack of her ass which she had apparently perfected because each time this occurred you’d get the “smack” sound of her panties landing perfectly against her creamy white ass.  Mind you, she’s recounting this story to me, Joe (large overweight 50 yo veteran) and a number of relatively hot internationals.  Now I’m no fool, but I’m thinking… this chick is what we in Mississippi call “Trashy”.   She would totally qualify for that “Redneck Woman” song where the chic is standing in her front yard barefoot with a baby on her hip.

Over the course of the night we got to hear a number of the sexual conquests, shower practices, and various ’appliances’ that Stacey kept in her car for convenience.  I now know exactly how to NOT act or behave in public.  Hell, I was embarrassed for this chick, but she was too oblivious to the fact that many sideshow tickets could have been sold just so others could teach their kids how not to be.  Maybe I’ll put me a tent up at the Mississipp State Fair next year and hire this bitch out.  Miss 103 could do a 30 second spot about the real live “Redneck Woman”.  I’d make me a fortune.

Lessons Learned

1.  Let’s just say, that if you’re invited to a party, be sure to inquire as to   whether there will be some sort of dancing required and if such dancing requires knowledge of the country and national holidays. 

2.  When encountering exceptionally tragic and trashy people.. stick around, they will tell some stories that should never have been told and remind you that you actually have some class.  Note to self.. when in public never reach around and dig the shorts out of your ass.

3.  Pickled herring is good as long as you have a full beer in the hand to wash the nasty ass taste out of your mouth!

I’m now totally prepared for the Swedish Summer Solstice next year and I have the scars to prove it…. that wire damn flower ringlet has scratch my forehead to a bloody whelp!